Navigating my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
Being a homosexual male in my late 40s, my life has involved many, largely enjoyable years engaging in casual sex with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin to date any man, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners again.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, often causing significant heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I want a partner to care for me while letting me remain sexually free, however I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Is it best to keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Each individual's intimate path varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to handle various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need in your current state may well change in the future; eventually you might become more decisive and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you might meet someone who provides a life-changing chance for you by reflecting your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay present with your partners, and recognize the worth of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating intimacy issues.
