I Believed That I Identified As a Homosexual Woman - David Bowie Made Me Discover the Actual Situation

During 2011, a couple of years ahead of the celebrated David Bowie show opened at the renowned Victoria and Albert Museum in London, I came out as a gay woman. Until that moment, I had only been with men, one of whom I had married. By 2013, I found myself in my early 40s, a recently separated parent to four children, residing in the America.

At that time, I had begun to doubt both my personal gender and attraction preferences, looking to find clarity.

My birthplace was England during the early 1970s - prior to digital connectivity. During our youth, my friends and I lacked access to Reddit or digital content to turn to when we had questions about sex; rather, we sought guidance from pop stars, and during the 80s, musicians were playing with gender norms.

The Eurythmics singer wore masculine attire, Boy George adopted feminine outfits, and musical acts such as Erasure and Bronski Beat featured artists who were proudly homosexual.

I wanted his narrow hips and precise cut, his angular jaw and flat chest. I sought to become the artist's German phase

During the nineties, I spent my time operating a motorcycle and adopting masculine styles, but I reverted back to conventional female presentation when I opted for marriage. My husband relocated us to the America in 2007, but when our relationship dissolved I felt an powerful draw back towards the masculinity I had once given up.

Considering that no artist experimented with identity to the extent of David Bowie, I decided to use some leisure time during a summer trip visiting Britain at the gallery, hoping that possibly he could provide clarity.

I lacked clarity specifically what I was seeking when I entered the exhibition - possibly I anticipated that by submerging my consciousness in the extravagance of Bowie's identity exploration, I might, consequently, encounter a clue to my own identity.

Before long I was standing in front of a modest display where the film clip for "Boys Keep Swinging" was continuously looping. Bowie was performing confidently in the front, looking sharp in a charcoal outfit, while to the side three supporting vocalists in feminine attire crowded round a microphone.

Unlike the entertainers I had seen personally, these ladies didn't glide around the stage with the poise of natural performers; rather they looked unenthused and frustrated. Positioned as supporting acts, they had gum in their mouths and rolled their eyes at the tedium of it all.

"Boys keep swinging, boys always work it out," Bowie sang cheerfully, seemingly unaware to their reduced excitement. I felt a brief sensation of understanding for the supporting artists, with their pronounced make-up, ill-fitting wigs and too-tight dresses.

They gave the impression of as awkward as I did in women's clothes - annoyed and restless, as if they were hoping for it all to end. Precisely when I realized I was identifying with three men dressed in drag, one of them ripped off her wig, removed the cosmetics from her face, and showed herself to be ... Bowie! Surprise. (Of course, there were additional David Bowies as well.)

At that moment, I was absolutely sure that I desired to remove everything and become Bowie too. I wanted his narrow hips and his sharp haircut, his angular jaw and his masculine torso; I sought to become the slim-silhouetted, artist's Berlin phase. However I was unable to, because to genuinely embody Bowie, first I would need to be a man.

Announcing my identity as queer was a separate matter, but gender transition was a significantly scarier prospect.

I needed further time before I was ready. In the meantime, I did my best to adopt male characteristics: I ceased using cosmetics and threw away all my skirts and dresses, cut off my hair and commenced using male attire.

I sat differently, changed my stride, and modified my personal references, but I halted before surgical procedures - the possibility of rejection and regret had left me paralysed with fear.

After the David Bowie display completed its global journey with a engagement in New York City, five years later, I revisited. I had arrived at a crisis. I was unable to continue acting to be a person I wasn't.

Facing the same video in 2018, I became completely convinced that the issue wasn't about my clothing, it was my body. I didn't identify as a butch female; I was a man with gentle characteristics who'd been in costume all his life. I aimed to transition into the individual in the stylish outfit, performing under lights, and then I comprehended that I could.

I scheduled an appointment to see a medical professional shortly afterwards. I needed another few years before my personal journey finished, but not a single concern I worried about came true.

I maintain many of my female characteristics, so individuals frequently misidentify me for a gay man, but I'm OK with that. I sought the ability to play with gender as Bowie had - and since I'm comfortable in my body, I have that capacity.